I have always been very strong willed, I always got my way by manipulating even when I thought I wasn’t manipulating, and it sucks to admit that I did this to my best friend, my partner the love of my life, it has cost me everything, I don’t mean to sound like my marriage is dead because it is not but if I don’t make drastic changes, which I have and continue to do, it could be very well be done.
After we fought one day, of course I started the fight as usual, she finally had the courage to tell me that she wanted to separate, even as I write this, I have no idea what this means, all I know is that she needs space and I need to give her that, I often find myself doing things that I shouldn’t do, and I ask her questions that she can’t answer, it kills me.
I have searched and even bought some marriage help books, they all have a few things in common and the one that is hard to accept is that the changes you are to make are for you even if the marriage fails at the end, I feel emptiness in my stomach as I write that.
At the beginning I wanted to beg her to stay( which I did) I wanted to make her see why she should stay but nothing worked, of course nothing worked, it was the same pattern that we always did, the only difference was that she had made her mind up, and here we are separated, talking only about the kids and when we talk about us which we really haven’t done, I feel like dying because she won’t even look at me, because I am not allowed to touch my wife, because I wish I had been a better man.
I don’t want to end feeling negative, I will leave you with this, I can not change the past but I can construct my future, I want to be the man that wakes up next to her every morning, the one that Tippi toes out of the bedroom so she can sleep in as long as she wants, I want to do chores at home and take care of the kids so her load is lighter and she doesn’t stress, I want to smile and love, I want to not hurt anymore. I can only change me and that’s what I’m doing, praying and hoping that she will come back to me, not because she has to but because she wants to.