As I find myself trying to find myself, I’ve come to accept many things, things that caused my love to build a wall between us, I realized that she always felt like my emotions were her fault, when I woke up upset she felt like she had done something bad, what an idiot I was, the pattern was like this, I woke up mad, she would avoid me and I would somehow find a way to make it her fault, how she didn’t hug me or look for me, and when she did look for me I would feel like she only did it because I was mad, it angers me to think of my oldself, if I met that guy on the street I would punch his teeth out.
There are a lot of things that I did, but it all comes down to two reasons, my insecurity and my controlling behavior, I never wanted to be that person but I was.
I could write pages and pages of why I love her because that’s how amazing she is, she loves like no one else can she gives her all when you deserve it and there was a point in my life where she felt like I deserved it, it was great, the way she looked at me, the way she cared, made me feel like I could conquer the world, and the best part was that I didn’t have to conquer the world, I was what she wanted.
life got busy with having 3 kids, and I didn’t make it easy for her, I actually was like a 4th kid, not looking after myself but expecting her to look after me, yes there is a lot of negative in this story and hopefully with all the changes that I’m making I can write our future with a lot of positives from now on.
I am fighting for my marriage, some days are easier than others, I try to stay positive but some days I just want to cry and give up, but she didn’t give up and hasn’t given up yet, so why would I! I am a better man, for me for my kids and for her, there is a lot of good in me, my love for her is infinite.
I lovee her so much that I hope she finds happiness whatever that looks like, I pray and hope that I can be part of that happiness, I will continue to work on myself as this is a never ending growth.
For now I can only love her in my dreams, I can watch her walk by me and crave her body that drives me crazy, she is a true testament of beauty, she has always been my dream woman.